what we lost means nothing

minority_freak @ 2003-10-25T21:11:00

2003-10-25T20:11:28Z

Now my friends only writing journal. Comment to be added.

Sarah.

+ if i hurt you then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy +

why can i never do anything?

2003-10-22T20:18:10Z

Grr.

So I have a new journal: _sentimental. Add it if you want.

Only we're having a few teething problems [read: my computer sucks]. So I'll have to stay here for the while until I go to the library tomorrow and use the internet there [if I can] because this pile of shit is fucking about all over the place.

So. Today it's cold again.

time sure has changed you.

2003-10-21T17:48:54Z

A phone ringing.
A dog howling.
Then, across the lurid bay, the city is silent.
It's like you were never here.

A plane roaring.
A ship cutting gracefully through the awkward waves.
Long hot summer days mean nothing once the winter comes.
And once again, you're never here.

Trust me:
Without you the sun
Would never bother rising.
I sit and wonder.

and your eyes, broken windows when you cry.

2003-10-21T15:55:27Z

David looked good today. He did. His girlfriend was off, so Rachel and I sat with him and Jamie for lunch. I'm nervous around him but it's not unsettling. Actually, I saw his girlfriend on Saturday, on the train. I got the Kirkby train instead of the Southport train from Central because I wasn't concentrating, so when I got to Kirkby I had to get another train back down to Sandhills and change onto the Southport train. But anyway, when I got on at Sandhills his girlfriend and Jack were on there together. It got me thinking: if you were going out with someone like David, why spend time with someone like Jack? But who am I to judge anyway.

So. Went to see the school production of Joseph... last night. It was ok, only it has songs that stick in your head like glue. Rachel was the baker. She had a solo. In the interval I was hanging round with Christian who is just fantastic. And some guy called Kershaw but I don't know who he is/was. Came home, called Bea, wrote. Very productive night.

Over half term, for English, I have to read and review a book. She gave us a list of suggestions today in class and split them up into a list for 'Boys' and a list for 'Girls'. I was very offended since the two books I was planning to read [Animal Farm, Of Mice And Men] were both on the Boys' list, as was Catch 22 and 1984, which I'm re-reading at the moment. And the girls' list was made up of Jane Eyre and Fallen Leaves etc. so I complained to my teacher, even though she's nice. I just thought it was a bit stereotypical, that's all. Then I had to play Laura's stoned daughter in a talk show. I was quite good at it though, even if I do say so myself.

Charlotte came back at lunch today. She's been off for a few weeks with Glandular Fever. I've come to the conclusion that I don't like her.

Half term starts tomorrow. Very happy about this. We're maybe going to the Isle of Man for the weekend, though I don't know why or if it's certain. Then next week is Northampton which I'm half looking forward to, half not.

I've had California Dreamin' in my head all day. It reminds me of being in Barcelona. We were driving down those long streets that are split into three and are lined with trees, and Alex put on some CD he'd got free with a Sunday paper. It had that on it and also Dancing In The Streets. Bea said 'This song reminds me of you every time I hear it'.

It's cold again. And this song is another one of those that remind me of Autumn afternoons spent reading.

..from sweet_mistake.

FIRSTS.
First best friend: Gemma
First car: --
First date: Tom
First real kiss: Tom
First break-up: Tom
First job: Paperound
First screen name: I can’t remember
First self purchased album: Oasis
First funeral: My great uncle’s.
First pets: A stick insect.
First piercing/tattoo: Ears.
First credit card: --
First true love: Depends on how you define that.
First enemy: The girl at nursery who always stole the scooter from me. She hated me.
First big trip: Well, from Holland to England I suppose, though I don’t remember it.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: No idea.

LASTS.
Last cigarette: August 3rd, by my reckoning.
Last car ride: Last night.
Last kiss: Earlier this year – I don’t know the date exactly to hand.
Last good cry: Friday night.
Last library book checked out: Sociology: An Introduction
Last movie seen: Finding Nemo
Last beverage drank: Water
Last food consumed: A freddo.
Last crush: David, I think.
Last phone call: Bea, last night.
Last time showered: This morning.
Last shoes worn: My school shoes.
Last cd played: 100 Broken Windows by Idlewild, I think.
Last item bought: A book of stamps.
Last annoyance: The guy I sit next to in Biology.
Last disappointment: That David talked to Charlotte after school and not me.
Last time wanting to die: long ago enough.
Last time scolded: In Chemistry, for drawing when I ‘should’ve been listening’.
Last shirt worn: My blue shirt that says Monterey Butterflies.
Last website visited: livejournal.com

minority_freak @ 2003-10-20T19:08:00

2003-10-20T18:08:51Z

A window filled with
Rain. My one comforting thought:
We'll watch same sunsets.

and you know i'm not one for complaining.

2003-10-20T15:59:11Z

An interesting weekend.

Friday night was bad. Very. Kim texted me saying she was at Yardley, waiting for supper, and that she missed me and Robson said hi and stuff. Bad. I just started crying really hysterically, then my mum came in and we talked but it didn't really help. I'm not making a plea for help or saying that I am a long-term depressive -- I just get like that sometimes. I just think that I should have been there for that weekend.

Saturday was good, though. Went into town. I couldn't find a copy of Down and Out... so brought Great Expectations/Oliver Twist as a poor consolation. I don't plan to read either -- it's just a nice-looking book and it cost just £1 so it's justified. Also brought: envelopes, dividers for my history file, these cute clip things for notelets and stuff -- mine are, of course, holding up photos and a caramel slice from the Walker cafe. Oh, and I also brought small print from the Walker -- Super Star Fucker -- Andy Warhol Text by Peter Davies. Very cool. Very me.

Then Saturday evening I took my sister to see Finding Nemo. It was cute. We got popcorn and on the way home I brought us chips. We came home and watched The Big Read. The list was OK. I worked out that we have around 50 of what are supposedly the Nation's top 100 books. Quite impressive, I suppose, except not really considering we have around 1000 books, not counting the ones stored in our basement. But anyway. I've compiled a list of books I want to read now. My dad has all of them as well, which is good.

Yesterday was so nice. Autumn weather. Lovely, lovely autumn weather. I love Autumn. So I made a mixtape for Sadie and then read. Also rang Kim and talked to her for a long time. It was fun. She told me that everytime she sees Robson she thinks of me. Ah, on the weekend she was in a section with Mr Wharton, Mr Lunn, Parker, Gilkes and Robson. You cannot understand the injustice of that. Especially since I would've been in that section if I'd been there since Parker always picked me to be in his section because we had a special patrol dance we did together. But enough of that.

I love Taking Back Sunday. And I haven't listened to them for so long. It's a shame.

Neil and Louise are 'on a break'. That phrase always reminds me of Friends.

Anyway my sister is now screaming at me to get off the computer so I should go I suppose before I burst an eardrum or something.

you never stop loving someone.

2003-10-17T15:42:31Z

So. Full marks on my history essay and A and A* on my last two pieces of writing for French. I get the feeling I'm doing pretty well at school so far this year.

Anyway. The weekend's here again. I'm pleased. Tomorrow I might go shopping -- last night I had the urge to go to the old second hand book shop near Lime Street station and buy a copy of Down and Out In London and Paris [I've just started rereading Nineteen Eighty Four]. Then I want to spend the afternoon/evening in bed, reading, shutters closed, heating on. And pretend that stuff doesn't happen.

I found out today that Clara likes David [or, as she calls him, Dave -- ugh, ugh, ugh]. Clara = bitch in my chemistry class who no one likes anyway!! Sorry to judge her because of that, but when she talks about him for the whole seventy minute lesson I get pissed off. But whatever. He's still with his girlfriend [she's too pretty for her own good, for god's sake, it's not fair] and she would have no chance with him anyway. She's too fool-proof.

Two strangers in here [that is, the library] are on the exact same chatroom. I wonder if they're talking.

Heather's starting to annoy me. I don't want to say that because she's been nice to me and it's not her fault I have such high expectations of what she should be and do, but it's true. I told Laura and she said to just try and avoid her for a while. Maybe I will.

After school Jenny and I went and watched the rehearsals for Joseph and his Technicolour Dreamcoat for a while. It's this year's school production. Rachel's in it so I'm going to see it on Monday night.

Oh my god someone just texted me, and I've realised how embarrassing and loud my ringtone for messages is. Ah, it's so awful and obnoxious!! I have to check who it is.

Fucking hell, it was T-fucking-Mobile. I hate them anyway.

"boredom does strange things to strange people"

2003-10-15T16:31:31Z

YOUR NAME
(1) The singular boring question: What is your name? Sarah
(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been?: James, after my granddad.
(3) Would you name a child of yours after you? No.
(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with? Probably Laura, but I’m not sure.
(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? “sare-ra”
(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)? No.

HUMOR
(13) How easy is it to make you laugh? Depends on who you are and what mood I’m in.
(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most? Bea.
(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't? Yes.
(16) Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn't? Any joke I tell I shouldn’t – my jokes just don’t work/
(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile? ‘Baboon’ and ‘procrastination’.
(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written? Whatever it was it was a long time ago..

MUSIC
(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching? Yes.
(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard? I don’t have that much spare time.
(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better? I don't know.
(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head? Usually what I’ve been listening to a lot or what I’ve just heard someone else singing.
(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best? Songs like Cute Without the ‘E’… and Vincent.
(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song would you sing? Something he liked.
(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used? Message From Kathlene, though that’s not really suitable for serenading, I suppose.

MOVIES
(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to? I’m not sure, but I hate a lot of films that everyone else loves.
(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original? Yes, probably, though there are exceptions/
(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character? Have to admit I’ve never watched a Star Wars film in my life.
(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of? Waking Ned. Sorry, it was the first film that came into my head.
(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of? Just Married and The Matrix.

FOOD
(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness? Taste in the short term.
(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese? I like the Austrian cheese that looks like sausages, and also Wensleydale with cranberries.
(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality? That I don’t like many cheese-y cheeses?
(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it? Probably yes. I have low morals like that.
(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? No.

COMPUTERS
(36) Mac or PC? PC
(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer, as long as it works? No
(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation? Yes.
(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone? Of course.
(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later? No.

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES
(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? Yes, but only sometimes.
(42) What do you love most about the other gender? Nice looks combined with a good personality. Haha.
(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender? The way they fuck me up.
(44) What do you understand least about the other gender? How sometimes they don’t realise just how beautiful they are.

CELEBRITIES
(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it? Yes/
(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who? No. Well, apart from Lassie, but everyone’s heard that joke, right?
(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)? I’d like to think someone like Lisa Kudrow, though we look nothing like each other.
(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why? Not particularly.
(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter? I don’t know.
(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich? Can’t say I do, no.

NUMBERS
(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69? No but I always think funny thoughts.
(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question? No.
(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number? Do I actually have one??
(55) Do you actually know your IP address? No.
(56) Do you know what an IP address is? No.
(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code? No.
(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives? Not until now.
(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.? Yes.
(60) What do you think of pi? It’s long?

LOVE, SEX AND ALL THAT
(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title? No.
(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? Like I always do.
(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind"? Getting to know them.
(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member? Yes.
(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? I don’t really take any notice.
(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? Um.
(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? Not really.
(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking? No.
(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last? I’d ask to have them both. 
(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence? Oh very funny.

POSSESSIONS
(71) What is your favorite possession? I’m not sure. I have a few.
(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? More clothes and some more CDs would be nice. And Photo Frames!!
(73) How badly do you want it? Not that badly.
(74) Have you ever seen 'The Exorcist'? No.
(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section? I’m still trying to..

HOLIDAYS
(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you? Yes!!
(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older? I like getting older.
(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had? I’ve always been a witch on Halloween.
(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had? See above?
(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning? There isn’t really one anymore.
(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there? National August day?

MEMORIES
(82) How good is your short-term memory? Depends on what I’m trying to remember.
(83) How good is your long-term memory? Quite good.
(84) What is your earliest memory? Being on the back of my mum’s bike in Holland.
(85) What is one of your happiest memories? I have a lot.
(86) What is your strangest memory? Waking up sliding down a hill in a sleeping bag over the summer, I think.
(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize? I know most of my favourite movies by heart, which is sad.
(88) What movie makes/made you cry? Castaway, when he loses Wilson.
(89) What book makes/made you cry? The one I’ve just finished - If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things - and others.
(90) What song makes/made you cry? Too many.
(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried? Something funny at the time.

THREE TRULY RANDOM QUESTIONS
(92) Would you like to be cloned? I don’t know. Probably not. It’s a weird thought, and the world could probably do without another me around.
(93) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it? Yes,
(94) Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? I can indeed, thank you for asking.

THIS SURVEY
(95) Do you think that one hundred and one questions is too long? Oh sometimes it’s fun to do long and boring stuff.,
(96) Do you think the one hundred interesting questions actually were interesting? Apart from that Queen one just gone and the one about the Exorcist – I’m still trying to work that out. I guess you have to see the film/
(97) Are you sorry you began filling it out? No.
(98) What question do you wish it had asked? I don’t know.
(99) How would you have answered it? If I’d thought of one then yes.

THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
(100) When was the last time you let the people you love know you love them? I can’t remember.
(101) What do you want the people who are reading this survey to know? That I am bored and my back hurts. Thank you.

I make no apologies for not using the cut.

i've been on top of the world since about one week ago, marking the time when i was drunk enough..

2003-10-15T16:30:03Z

..to talk to you.

I got the results from my history retest today: 100%! How jammy am I? I get my essay on Sarajevo, 1914 back on Friday as well. I think I did that quite well so I'm pleased. We've got an assessment next Wednesday which I'm not worrying about yet -- I'm probably aiming for an A or B.

Nothing happened today. Well, I've just been to the dentist which was fun and exciting as always. I hate it when they scrape your teeth with that pointy things -- it makes you feel like you're going to walk out of there with no teeth left!

I sat on the beach last night and wrote. I must have been there an hour, maybe more. Sometimes I can get a bit carried away if I just get caught up in something. But the end result was quite good so I'm not making excuses for myself.

I have some good quotes for you all:
"No snowflake in the avalanche ever feels responsible."
"We must believe in luck. How else can we explain the victories of our enemies?"
"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value" and,
"It is not the strongest of the species who survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most adaptable to change."

I don't know who said them all but I quite liked them.

I need some new photo frames. Donations are always accepted.

minority_freak @ 2003-10-14T16:41:00

2003-10-14T15:46:23Z

I forgot, it's nice weather today. Might just stuff my Sociology homework and go to the beach.

minority_freak @ 2003-10-14T16:13:00

2003-10-14T15:42:49Z

Louise came home on Thursday night. She got really ill during the week ["too many late nights if you ask me" according to my mum, though nobody actually did ask her] so she came back until saturday. Plus, Olly [her ex] has been going all stalker on her and has started emailing and texting her saying 'if i can't have you then no one can' etc. ever since he found out about Neil. Talking of Neil, on Sunday morning he drove up all the way from Northampton and turned up on her doorstep at 7am. I'm like, she's just my sister. Nothing special.

But anyway. Non-weekend. Went into town on Saturday alone and, instead of shopping, visited the Walker Art Gallery, the Maritime Museum and the Conservation Centre, because they had a photo exhibition on. Then went to the Thorntons cafe and quickly popped into Stationary Box because I needed new files for Spanish and French.

I got all my tests results back on Friday: 80% on maths, 100% on chemistry and 70 on History. I was really disappointed with my history mark so I went back and did a retest yesterday after school. I'm not saying 70% is bad -- it equates to a B grade, I think -- but I knew I could do better, and I don't care how arrogant that sounds.

Also on Friday, my photos came. They were really fantastic to look at again.

I've had Dido White Flag in my head for far too long now. And if you live by the rules of 'it's over' then I'm sure that that makes sense.

I had a lot of things to say but they seem to have just disappeared. Anyway my time on this computer is running out so off I go.

so much for the street lights, they're never gonna guide you home.

2003-10-08T15:41:46Z

I've come to the conclusion that my legs look better in tights. More refined, more sleek. So over the weekend I'll have to invest in some new ones. I also need a new bag and some new shoes. But I don't know why I'm talking about that.

I realised today that I have no one left to talk to. Maybe I do, but it just feels like that right now. And I'm beginning to feel really bitter about everyone I took forgranted. I hate feeling like this.

I finally sorted out my Duke of Edinburgh today. I'm doing photography for my skill, some form of martial arts for my recreational sport [I can't remember the exact name] and I'm joining St John's Ambulance with Heather for my service. The part I'm looking forward to is the Expedition, though, but we don't do that until the summer. I'm hopefully planning to visit the National Museum of Photography in Bradford as part of my portfolio.

Had tests in Math and History today. Both were ok, I suppose. Sociology was fun. Only 5 of us turned up -- me, Laura, Tina, Dominic and Kevin. So whilst our teacher talked about gender and stereotyping for the full 70 minutes, Laura, Tina and I got laughing fits and Kevin kept taking the piss out of Dominic. I like Dominic's accent, though -- he's Australian. Kevin was in my History class then, and he kept on catching my eye and making me laugh, which didn't help since I spent most of the time we had for the test trying my best to remember a second Balkan state [I ended up putting Czechoslovakia, but that was wrong, I know].

I sent off 4 films to Truprint a week yesterday, and they still haven't arrived. Plus, I paid an extra 45p to get the Express Service, which should only take 24 hours plus posting time. What a con.

we'll pay you handsomely.

2003-10-07T15:44:58Z

Last night there was a storm. The wind was so loud, and it doesn't help that we're right by the sea. I was lying in my bed, and I could hear two tones of wind -- one loud and grumbling, like an old bus going along the road, and the other high pitched, like the sound a flute makes when the person playing it doesn't quite shape their lips right. In the end, I picked up my matress and dragged it into the study floor, where I ended up spending the night.

I'm reading If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things by Jon McGregor at the moment. There was a really good line in the chapter I managed to read last night, but I don't have it with me now so I can't put it up here -- I don't want to misquote it either. But it really struck me. It's a fantastic book.

Today was unremarkable. Had a chemistry test -- I didn't revise but I'm sure I did fine. If I didn't well then never mind. We did descriptive writing in English, which I enjoyed, like I always do. As Thursday is National Poetry Day we have to bring in our favourite poems. Not sure what I'll pick yet.

After a short hiatus from The Thrills I'm in love with the album again. It brings back a lot of memories, specifically summer ones of Ireland. I never talked about that trip in detail, did I? Which is a shame, but I'm not going into it now.

Plans for half term in, what, 2/3 weeks seem to be coming together nicely. The first weekend [we break up on the Wednesday] I'll maybe go and stay with my Grandma, or my auntie in London [I was hoping to maybe go to visit Helena in Rome for a few days but it's off the cards because she's already having Denise and her mum to stay]. Then on the Thursday after that I'm going down back to Northampton for Bea's birthday on the Friday. We're going for a meal and to see a film, apparently, and then one night during my stay there will be Alcohol, if you see what I mean. I'm looking forward to it a lot. Not least because Scott will be over from France. And maybe one night we'll go into town and maybe I'll see Robson..

Anyway. If I do go down to London for the weekend then I'm maybe [I can't stress that enough right now] meeting up with Hannah dancingongraves [she was i was a problem kid on ff.net, for those of you who were on there] in somewhere like Leicester Square, perhaps. It would be cool but it's not even close to being remotely certain yet since she only just suggested it. It would be cool though.

I haven't even started the history essay on Sarajevo 1914 due in Friday, or the English coursework on Wuthering Heights due in Monday, so maybe I should go home and do that.

i think i might be over you.

2003-10-06T15:38:23Z

A nostalgic weekend.

Friday night was ok. I stayed the night at Heather's. Nothing spectacular -- I know it sounds mean but it was like being back in year 5, staying at Gemma's house. I think I'm just comparing it to what I could have been doing, back in Northampton, which makes me feel horrible but that's the way it is. We had pancakes for breakfast, though, which was.. Fun.

On Saturday I went to York. Louise was moving into her new house for the start of her term, so her and Neil went in Neil's car, and my Dad and I in ours. The trip wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and Louise's house is cool. I love her housemates, who I already knew from last year since they were all in halls together. My dad has a very diverse taste in music, which was enlightening.

Saturday night was fun as well. During the day, my mum and sister [who stayed at home] had found a box of my dad's old school stuff [seriously, from when he was like 13, 14] so they gave that to him and we all looked through it. It was quite emotional for him, I could tell, but he had so much stuff in one relatively small box! There were two diaries in there, which I read when he went out. They were so comprehensive, every little detail crammed into each day's space -- they were those small business diaries people have, usually kept for meetings and appointments. It actually felt quite strange reading them. There was a lot about my aunties, and his friend Kevin, who I've never heard him talk about before, and also about how my mum's grandma used to visit their house, which is weird.

Sunday morning and afternoon I did all my homework bar Sociology and also made myself a mixtape. That was good, hadn't done it in a while. Then in the evening we went to Blackpool to see the illuminations. That was good, healthy fun. We got chips from Harry Ramsden's. My dad was talking about how exactly 37 years ago my grandma and granddad [who I never met] took him and my aunties to Blackpool.

He was also talking about how 30 years ago yesterday he went to University. He got the coach down from Luton to Cambridge [yes, my dad went to Downing College] on his own, with just a rather large suitcase, and now here he is, sending his daughter back off to Uni, with 2 cars full of possessions. Funny how things work out, isn't it?

Did anyone watch Hitler: The Rise of Evil on Saturday night on Channel 4? I didn't like it. I didn't think Robert Carlyle was very good as Hitler, personally, but I liked the war scenes towards the start. I'll probably end up watching the conclusion, knowing me.

I haven't listened to this song in ages. It reminds me of curling up in my bed on cold, autumn Saturday afternoons, and reading the book I'd just got out from the library in town. Sometimes I want to be back there; back in 2001, 2002, with everything exactly how I thought it should be. Before Daniel, before Robson, before upper school, before anything.

I don't like the thought that now that innocence is gone, it's never coming back.

my heart can never be a home.

2003-10-01T15:58:36Z

We got our Work Experience forms today. I was thinking of going to the John Moore University with my dad [that's where he works] but now I'm not so sure. I'd rather be a bit more independant. I've ticked Clerical, Retail and Bookshops & Libraries, but I think I might change them. I'm looking forward to it, actually, though it's not till next March.

I felt really ill at lunch today, all weak and faint. I hadn't eaten much, though, so that was probably the reason. I've been trying to cut down on how much I eat lately, I suppose. Which is scary for me because I've never been concerned or worried about my weight in the past. I've always been happy with my shape because -- and I'm not being big-headed here, just telling the truth -- I was never fat. Not even slightly overweight. But now.. I don't know. I'm just more concious of it now I suppose. And I haven't put on huge amounts of weight, either. I just.. Don't know what's wrong.

David told me today that I can call him 'Dave'. Good for me. Only I'm not going to because I hate the name 'Dave'. It reminds me of Becky's Dave from E Company and that reminds me of camp and that reminds me of what I'm missing. So I'll stick to David.

I finally finished Sooz and Emz's letters last night. I still have to do Jay's. I'm so lazy.

A girl from my school called Anna just came up behind me and made me jump a mile out of my skin. Seriously. I hate it when people to that. What right do they have to sneak up on me?

this is about as social as i get now.

2003-09-30T15:28:35Z

Isn't it weird to think that I pass maybe 100 people, maybe more, on the street every day, and I have no effect or impression on their lives whatsoever.

It makes me feel very insignificant.

But anyway. I feel like taking a train journey. I like train journeys, especially when I'm on my own. But I'm not just talking about a quick trip into town on the train. I want to go to London.

Nothing sounds more inviting than three hours on some anonymous, crowded train right now. I don't know why.

Some people just make me want to die in their arms.

minority_freak @ 2003-09-29T16:40:00

2003-09-29T15:44:19Z

now it's raining and i have to walk home.

um.

this world was never made for one as beautiful as you.

2003-09-29T15:30:21Z

Louise and Neil are going to see Metallica when they tour later this year. How random. I don't think Louise has ever even heard of them.

The weekend was fine. My auntie's a lot of fun. On Saturday morning we went down to the beach and watched those yachts that have been around the world come in, since they were docking in Liverpool. Then we went to Southport, and did seaside things. Nothing spectacular, I suppose. Sunday we went on a bike ride, then took my auntie to the station, where I saw David. He was on his bike, on the Southport platform. Which was OK, since we were on the Liverpool platform. Unnerving all the same.

I spent about 2 hours on the phone to Kim, then. It was nice. A lot of things have happened since I left, unsurprisingly. The world doesn't stand still, obviously.

Today was average. Neither good nor bad. On the way to school David was behind me, and we sat with him and Christian for lunch. But that was about it. Oh, apart from the fact that Something Beautiful by Robbie Williams was playing when we walked into assembly. I still don't know why.

I've had Under the Thumb by Amy Studt in my head for the past 3 days now. I don't know how it got there but I wish it would get the hell out 'cause it's annoying the fuck out of me.

I have coursework on Wuthering Heights to do already. I got a B+ for my last English homework. I was quite pleased.

This song is so moving. So sad. So.. not suitable for the mood I'm in right now.

Heather invited me to stay at her house on Friday night. She said we could "rent DVDs and order pizza!!" What fun.

I can't organise my thoughts properly.

PS

2003-09-26T15:44:43Z

The other day, I was in here ['here' being the library, obviously] and the guy on the computer next to me was on Livejournal. Unintentionally, I glanced over at his screen and saw his username. I just looked up his journal, out of curiosity, and he's Australian, living here.

I feel really sneaky now.

i would teach my feet to fly.

2003-09-26T15:40:01Z

What is it with good looking guys and trains? Every time I'm on one there seems to be one on there too. Granted, I've only been on the train 4 times while I've been up here, but never mind.

Needless to say, the plans for last night didn't work out. My parents had an argument on Wednesday night so my mum didn't want to go and meet my dad. She gave us money, we got the train on our own, and met my dad in town. We went stationary shopping first of all, which is amongst my favourite things to do. There's something I love about brand new plastic folders, and brand new pens. It's just one of my things, I guess. After that we walked down to the Mersey and the Albert docks. We saw the building where they used to film This Morning back in the good old days when Richard and Judy presented it. The map that the weatherman used to hop around on is still in the river, you know.

Then we just wandered around for a while. We saw The Cavern, which is the club where the Beatles started out. And we saw some other things too, but not much since after a while my sister started complaining that she was hungry. So, naturally, we went to McDonalds. Me and Siobhan had to go back earlier, because we were getting the train back on our own.

It was strange, like my parents were separated or something. My dad was acting weirdly, and my mum gave me more money than I expected her to. But I don't know. They haven't been right since the move: my dad regrets the move [he cried when we were leaving, and on our first night here], and basically he blames my mum for it for whatever reason. Which is stupid considering it's his job that brought us up here in the first place, but whatever.

Anyway. I'm quite happy today. For several reasons: I got A, B+ and B on my first three history assignments, I got an A on a piece of French writing I did, and today I spoke to David. I'm still bitter about that, and he made some really.. odd comments when we were speaking. I don't know. In Chemistry, Caroline asked me if I wanted to go into town tomorrow but I can't, since my auntie is here and I think it would be rude to just spend the whole day out. But never mind.

I had a craving for chips and spaghetti at lunch today. Strange.

I don't know why, but lately I've been in the mood for Travis. This, in my opinion, is one of the few great covers. Even if it is Christmas-related.

you said: let's go to san diego. hey that's where all the kids go. Just don't change a thing.

2003-09-24T15:34:05Z

Hello.

Yesterday wasn't interesting. Neither was today. Well, apart from the fact that I found out today that Martin's actual name is David -- he was just telling me that he was friends with Martin, who is Caroline's brother Christian's best friend. So it should have meant something to me but it didn't because a) I don't even know Christian to speak to, and b) I actually wasn't listening properly.

But anyway. I also found out that his girlfriend is fucking cheating on him with Tom Foley from Sixth Form which is so immensely annoying like you don't know. As I had history last period I had to come out the back door and as I was walking round to the front gates I walked past them together, just behind the drama hall. And it didn't look like they were talking but hey, what do I know. It's like she's choosing to throw away something that others [read: me] will never have the chance to have. So, having just lost practically everyone who ever meant anything to me -- not by choice -- I am bitter.

But all of this is not my problem, I don't know anything about the background to the situation and I shouldn't judge her. So I'll stop talking about it now.

I was cheered up yesterday, though, because I got an A+ on a piece of creative writing I did for English, which means a lot because I really respect the teacher. And I spent a lot of time on it, too, so it's satisfying. The rest of the two days sucked though but yeah.

Last night I watched Return to Jamie's Kitchen and remembered why I once loved Jamie Oliver. Plus, his kids are sweet.

Tomorrow should be better. After school we're getting the train into Liverpool [strange isn't it, I can pop into one of the country's largest cities after school..] and going shopping for a while. Then we're going to meet my dad from work before going out to dinner. At about 10, we're going to meet my auntie from the train station, and then going home. My auntie's staying until Sunday, I think, so that will be fun. She's one of the few remaining relatives I actually get on with genuinely. We're going to get a ferry across the Mersey, and visit Southport, and do things like that. I'll enjoy myself, hopefully.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm having to try to hold everything together. During my last few months in Northampton [which, I admit, I mostly spent away from Northampton, but I'm talking about the time I was there] everything seemed to come with ease. I was comfortable, settled, and I belonged. Now I have to try. Try to talk to people, try to be confident, try to get others to understand me. I think I was just spoiled, being in an environment that I actually liked.

And note: my profile now says Liverpool, United Kingdom as my location. That's strange.

Today is my parents' 26th wedding anniversary, and they're doing nothing to celebrate. I asked my mum why not this morning and she said 'It's just not imporatant in the scheme of things'. It's a shocking reality.

Well the bottom fell out of our summer, but we knew what we got ourselves into.

all those nights we stayed up talking, listening to 80s songs, and quoting lines from all those..

2003-09-22T15:33:16Z

..movies that we love. it still brings a smile to my face. But really, I think that line was just written about me and Bea. :)

The weekend was great. It's stupid -- I was so nervous about it but as soon as I was with Bea again it was like we'd never been apart. I guess that's how it's meant to be with your best friend. Anyway. Quick[ish] summary:

We went and picked Bea up from Central Station in Liverpool on Friday night. Then we got the train back to my nearest station, and walked home. It was really disappointing -- it was all dark, so Bea couldn't see the sea or anything. We stayed up talking until about midnight, and then Bea went into the bathroom and there was a huge spider, so we had to get that out which took ages because we were laughing so much. In the end my mum woke up and threw it out the window or something. Then we got into bed and were still talking for ages.

On Saturday morning we went out on the beach for a bit. It was cloudy, though, so we just walked up to the small quay and then back again. Then we went and sat on the big patch of grass which stretches along, just behind the promenade, and had a picnic, even though it was completely empty and really windy. We had fun, though. We were doing some really weird things and in the end we just sat there, wrapped in the sheets we had brought down to sit on. Then we went to the shops and I brought a film, and then we got some passport photos done. It took us ages to get the right money, and then we didn't know they were being taken so the first one of us is us looking completely unprepared. We didn't really compose ourselves till the third one was taken, so they came out really funny. Then, on the way home, it started absolutely pouring it down so we just began singing [as you do] and we got lost but we got home. About an hour later. All night we just watched TV [including Fame Academy, but I don't know why]. We had fajitas too. We went to bed after Parkinson, but --surprise surprise-- stayed up talking until about 1am. I'm always my most revealing [as in, I say more about myself -- don't get any ideas] at night. She told me that when I left she went home, listened to Konstantine, and cried.

Sunday morning my mum made us a nice big fried breakfast. Then we went down to the beach and wrote our name in the sands which reminded me of that Ataris song. Bea wrote 'HELLO' in huge letters too. After that we had to go into Liverpool so she could get her train. It was hard to see her go again. For just a few days it had felt like before, and then it was just gone.

After we dropped her off we went into the city centre. I found a gorgeous old shop, it sells all these old second hand books. I want to go there with my dad, since he likes that kind of thing too, and he has considerably more money than me. I found an bound copy of Great Expectations that I want. I might never read it, but I want it all the same.

Then we went into the Adelphi Hotel because there was this holiday homes convention, and my parents are thinking of buying one in Spain. I've been suggesting some of the Northern parts of the Costa Brava. I saw them on a holiday show once and they look really nice.

OK that wasn't remotely quickish but oh well.

Today's been awful. I'm tired, and it's been raining all day. I seriously think I've caught a chill or something because I haven't been able to stop shivering. It looks sunny now, though, so I might go home and do my homework on the beach. Just Sociology and English tonight, I think. Oh, one good thing happened today, though: I spoke to that guy I was talking about. You know, the one with red hair. His name's Martin, I think, though I couldn't really catch it because we were in the dinner hall at the time. Charlotte and Heather were eating lunch with him so I handily went over and sat with them. He's really cool -- isn't that always the way? He has a girlfriend, too. In year 11. Saw them together at 3rd break today and they make a really cute couple. So I'm finding it hard to be bitter. Never mind.

Anyway. I feel like I'm getting very distant from certain people. Not people from Northampton, people from here. I would elaborate, only this entry's been long enough and I really want to get home to the beach now, before it starts raining again.

Oh, but quickly. I spoke to Kayleigh on the phone last night and she said that she has a photo she has to send me. Pretty unspectacular but guess who it's from.. Robson!! He gave it to [other] Kayleigh, who gave it to her, who's going to send it to me. So now I'm wracking my brains, trying to think what it could be of. I gave her my address so I hope she sends it soon!! But yes. That really is all.

sometimes it happens: feelings die, whole years are lost in the blink of an eye.

2003-09-19T15:25:02Z

I've been really tired lately. I don't know why. I almost fell asleep in English class yesterday. And it all really sucks because Bea is coming up to visit tonight and staying till Sunday and I have Sociology, Chemistry, Physics, Spanish and French homework which isn't great.

And it's been raining all day which has done nothing for my mood.

On the plus side of things I got a free postcard from the school library today which says 'Turtally Awesome Dude'. It completely made my week, but what's even weirder is I've just read an email from Bea saying that she has the exact same one! And I hadn't even said anything about my one. Oh the coincidental-ness of it all.

There's a guy in 6th form and he seems really nice. A friend of Charlotte's, I think. I just like him. He has red hair, which reminds me of someone. There's also someone who looks remotely like Robson and it makes me feel physically sick every time I see him.

Speaking of Robson, I tidied my room last night and found a load of photos I never knew I had. Some are of cadets, and I've no idea where they came from. They're of the Christmas weekend last year, I think, and there's a funny one of Robson, Parker and Gilkes. I don't know who took it but whoever it was, I'm grateful.

Anyway. Like I said Bea's coming up tonight. She has to take a 2 hour train journey from Rugby to get here. I don't know why anyone would put themselves through that to see me. But I'm thankful all the same. Last weekend sucked and this one promised to as well, but now she'll be here and we can have fun. Or something remotely resembling it, anyway.

I had the initiative to bring my discman with me today but it isn't really helping since I brought one of the most nostalgic CDs I own and am now playing the most nostalgic song on there. Nostalgic for me, at least.

Oh I blame myself.

Now broadcasting from Liverpool..

2003-09-17T16:35:59Z

So here I am. Updating again. I'm in Liverpool, of course, now. So much has happened in the time that I haven't written in here so I'll just have to do my best.

My last night was that bittersweet experience it was always going to be. Bea and Kim picked me up at about 7.30 and we went down to Roadmender. It was OK, I guess. Loads of people from my past seemed to be there which was a really weird coincident. We were slightly bored mostly but then they played Sell Out and Baby Got Back which was cool. There was a cool band too but I don't remember their name. Matthew was there. He talked to me for a bit. Walker was there too and he came up and hugged me and said Good Luck and stuff.

Anyway. We left Roadmender at about 10.30 and we walked down through town to get to McDonalds. I love being in town on Friday night. Saw a lot of drunk people. So anyway we went to McDonalds and I got a sandwich thing and we went and sat outside. We were just talking and eating on Our Bench and then I looked up and saw a group of people walking towards us, and oh yes, I recognised one of them Very Well. I just went "Oh my god, that so isn't Robson!" By then I hadn't realised who else was there, either. So then Kim looked up and was like "Hey it's Parker and Sgt Walding.. and Robson!!" Ahem. I must have looked so stupid -- half a McChicken Sandiwich hanging out my mouth.

So as they got closer me and Kim [Bea doesn't really know any of cadets apart from Rex] shouted out "Hi Parker!!" and they came over and were like "What are you lot doing out this late?" So we started talking to them and stuff but Robson was just standing there all embarrassed and silent-like. Anyway. Then they went off down Gold Street and we followed them down after a bit 'cause Bea wanted to go to a kebab shop to buy a drink. Why I don't know but hey. We saw them again standing outside some club I think so we walked straight past, me practically dying of embarrassment and laughter combined. Robson looked lovely though. Hmm.

At about midnight Bea's dad came and picked us up and we all went back to Bea's. We stayed up watching Cruel Intentions and Friends until about 3am and then I think we all fell asleep pretty soon after that.

Bea woke me up with a cup of tea at about 8.30 then 'cause I needed to be home for 9. We had breakfast and all walked down to mine where everyone had already packed up half the van we hired. Then Bea and Kim gave me my presents -- Bea gave me a collage of pictures of us [in one we're about 5 and we're wearing frilly skirts and blowing bubbles!] and a CD of all 'our songs', which makes us seem like a couple, lol, and Kim gave me a box of Maltesers [in joke]. Then we said goodbye and we were all crying in the middle of my ~~old~~ street and we had a great big group hug. Then they went and I sat in my empty living room and cried.

Leaving was the hardest thing. To drive through the streets not knowing when I'd see them again. To think of how long I'd been in that town and put it down and taken it forgranted. I cried for about half an hour into the journey. I was glad Louise had the music up loud - pride is a precious thing.

We got there sometime early afternoon, I think. Unpacked all the stuff we'd brought up. Then me, Siobhan, Neil and Louise went down to the beach which is right in front of the block of flats where we now live [we have a maisonette].

My new school is weird. Very different. Very catholic. It still hurts to think of all the people I might not see again -- forever is a long time. And I'm still crying when I think about it. I have one picture of Robson on my desk. It means a lot.

So I should explain that I'm in a library at the moment. Our computer at home still hasn't been connected to the internet, and I get free access here. Our phone was supposed to be getting connected today which is good because we get free calls every evening after 6pm and all weekend, to landlines only, though. But it'll be good 'cause I can call everyone that I'm already starting to lose touch with.

Bea's coming to stay this weekend. She's getting the train up on Friday evening, arriving at about 8pm, I think. It should be good. I need to buy a film before that though, for my camera.

Which reminds me of all the films I have to get developed. Oh well.

Anyway I'd better leave it here for now -- my time is running out and I still have english to type up. I don't know when my next update will be -- probably tomorrow if I pop in here again. Hopefully I'll soon be setting up a new journal but I'll probably leave it till I can do it at home.

I've just reread this and it seems very.. unbalanced. Oh well.

it's such a shame when old friends fall out over new lovers.

2003-09-05T17:56:14Z

First of all: I'm still formulating my opinion on the new LJ layout. I didn't like it at first but I'm actually starting to get used to it now. It's still pretty ugly though.

Anyway. Last day at the best fuckin' school in Northampton. That was weird. Mhm.

At lunch we hung out on the hill 'cause we hadn't done that in ages. I wanted a photo of Matt but I didn't get one 'cause he went home at lunch 'cause his only class was double Psychology this morning so I was disappointed. But. Kim said I can have one of hers 'cause she has about 8989234 of him from camp. So it all ends up good I guess. Everyone signed my shirt. Even Mr Richardson, though I don't know why since I hate him.

Kayleigh's coming round tomorrow morning, I think, to get my cadets uniform and give me a picture of Foy, for some reason, and maybe Parker which would be cool. The new photo album I got and designated for cadets is empty bar the picture of Robson I have, at the moment, so a few more additions would be good!!

Dad called the new headmaster and we have to go see him Sunday afternoon. In the end I picked Sociology and Spanish which means I don't get to do History at all ever again unless I take it for A Level which I would so not do seeing as I'm not taking it for GCSE. Or unless I hate either Sociology or Spanish in which case I can probably drop one of them and pick up History.

Tomorrow is move day. Cough. Neil's helping us out. I don't know why. But anyway. I'm going out with Bea and other people tonight and then staying at Bea's so this is probably my last proper entry until we get our computer sorted out in Liverpool. That's a scary thought.

I've decided that I want a new journal on here pretty soonish after I get to Liverpool -- you know, may as well make it a complete new start -- so if anyone has a code they wanna email me then go ahead. My address is in my user info.

I don't think the finality of all this has quite hit me.

NEW SCHOOL ON MONDAY.